Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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