I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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