If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
