my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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