Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
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