Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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