woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
