Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
