Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
