i love accidental penises.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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