The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
