I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
