i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish i was in the wii world.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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