Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
