Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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