I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
