I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You pole danced in your parka.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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