Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
