Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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