someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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