All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
