Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize