Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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