My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
