so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize