I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
