i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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