Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
