My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
