is your mom at the bar?
my phone needs a breathalizer
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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