a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
