My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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