The maid of honor just puked.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My cat gives me a boner
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
