hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
