She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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