You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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