im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
