ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
