I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
