Midget sex pt 2 tonight
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
