I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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