Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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