I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
