When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
