I got chris browned last night
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
