btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
