Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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