trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
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