i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
