I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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