I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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