If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Randomize
