the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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