Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
