I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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