I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sext me about skeletons
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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