My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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