Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize