I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
