She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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