cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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