Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
