mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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